A Woman's Lament
I was never very good at keeping up to date with things. Not with bands I loved, Authors I enjoyed or my own journal/diary. This has extended to blogging.
I believe that, in most parts, this stems from the fact that I am not a woman with much to say. I’m rather to myself on many a number of things and never really open my mouth until I’ve truly thought of something worth my while. Though sometimes I do just the opposite of that when I hang around extroverts and get over stimulated.
But I digress.
Today, I have something to say.
I learned a good way to look at and understand human relationships today, from a very dear person of mine. A human is still very primal and longs to satisfy that feeling of “being in a tribe”. This is most seen in extroverts who maintain large circles of friends. Yet it doesn’t have to be large circles of real-life friends. Other people fulfill this need in social networking or in MMORPGs. Some people get it from their church groups, sports teams or small cliques of friends. Some people get it from just their family. I’m one of those people, I maintain my sense of human contact via my child and my mate. This is more than sufficient for me.
Why? You might ask me. Why am I fully, wholly, completely satisfied for my need of human relations by just two people? Because I have nothing but contempt for people. My whole life I’ve had the unfortunate luck of learning that people can neither be trusted nor depended upon. Everyone has their own agenda. Even if their agenda is completely void of malicious intent — we all have one. The knowledge of this prevents me from trusting people. From letting them in. Before you label me as bitter or lonely, please think again, for I am nothing but the most happy and content with the love of my life and my most amazing daughter. Yet lately I am reminded over and over again just why people can’t be trusted. I remember that I keep my distance, my trust, my heart all locked away and hidden from the world.
I’m disgusted.
I know that I am guilty of this myself — but I’ve paid my dues. I’ve received my karma. I have repented. — but so many people bite the hand that feeds (or fed) them. So many people are fair weather friends. Too many people are so incredibly selfish that they take more than they could ever give and when called upon to open up their hearts or at least return the favor they either don’t … or find some way to make returning the favor ever-still benefit them. Also equally as frustrating is when people are given a chance at life and take only enough to get by then move on. Seeking not to improve or give thanks but to continue drifting in their hollow little worlds. I watch as people who’re far too kind, trusting and giving put forth their best foot, turn the other cheek and hold out their hands over and over again. Only to be forgotten, turned down or bribed in their own hour of need. Where is the humility? There is none. There is no sense of loyalty or duty to be found and those who were so kind in the beginning are left empty handed in the end. Perhaps even heart broken. In watching this (and having done it too many times myself) I realize that I don’t want to befriend certain people. That I don’t want to love certain people. Perhaps most, or maybe all people that aren’t already in my good graces and will. For what good fortune so befell a man (or woman) to only be taken for granted in a way they couldn’t even say “thanks”? They shouldn’t have looked that gift horse in the mouth. If there is a karma there are certainly people getting their dues. If not, it’s furiously coming.
Before anyone makes a comment on my character, I know I have flaws. I’ve made some really shady decisions and done some fucked up things in my life. I pay for it daily. I have many skeletons in my closet that I hide and many things that keep me up at night. I, so very often, look back upon my /own/ (past) decisions and wonder what the fuck was I thinking/doing? It’s in having been that bad of a person that I can so /easily/ see the shit going on around me without thinking twice about whether what I see is what I think it is. I’ll always lament what I did to two people in my life. Most especially a-one of them who gave me many, many more chances than were ever due on my part. And I strive daily to make amends and repent for those things I did. (Not because that person asks that of me or because that person needs that. But because I feel better for those things I once did to strive so hard now to be a better person for them.)
And though I lament a many number of things that I’ve done I don’t regret a single-damn-thing. Every decision I have made, steps I have taken and proverbial backs I’ve broken have all shaped me to the person that I am today. I dare say it even makes me wise. So in having done those things that I’ve done, knowing my character well and understanding why I did those things I have come to terms with the person I used to be; and why I did those things. What concerns me now is that those people who offend those that I love do things that I did, but aren’t that type of person. I don’t comprehend the manners of these people. Sometimes I believe their hypocrisy flows deeper than mine ever did.
It also makes me wonder if they’ll ever give thanks, apologize and ask for forgiveness. I know that I did. I hope they go back, like I did, and try to right their wrongs — as I still do.
I don’t trust people. My compassion and concern for human kind ceased a long time ago. My spirit was broken and my ear deafened to the cause of any of those around me. With me, you are guilty until proven innocent. There is never any grey area. I either trust you or I don’t. Recently I’ve added two more people to the list. It will only keep growing with time.