Posted by: Kachi at 5 September, 06:11 PM in
All around me I see things you would enjoy. A song on the radio, a book I can’t put down, a new video game or MMO that I’m positive would appeal to you.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking how I can’t wait to tell you about this awesome scene in this book I just read and use it to encourage you to read it — for I know you would’ve procrastinated.
Other times I am playing my character in an MMORPG and think to myself, “Wow, you would really enjoy this story line. Or this dungeon. Or this battleground/warfront”.
I’ve done really well coping with your loss, I think. I barely think about you and I haven’t cried over you in many years now. It’s probably because I’ve forced myself to not cry over you and disallowed myself to let our memories float around in the forefront of my mind. How else could I function if you’re haunting me constantly? I know this is exactly what you wanted of me. I know you asked me to go about it this very way but I cannot help to feel sad for it. Sometimes bad for it. You knew me too well, how good I was at forcing myself to forget things. To keep on moving regardless of the pain or the hardships. I know this is why you asked me to do it this way and I’ve done well enough abiding your wish all this time.
That was until two things happened.
I discovered a book series that existed when you were still alive (maybe you even read the first two books. They came out before you died) and the announcement of the new Star Wars MMO. I cannot read the damned book without feeling immense waves of grief and guilt; I cannot pine for that awesome new MMO without remembering exactly how you felt for that franchise and how much you’d be drooling over it too. I can’t help but wonder if you’d beg me to play late at night with you, to accommodate our time differences, so you could level a Jedi with me. I also know you’d be calling me at 3am to tell me about the Tyrion chapter you just read or how much you love Robb Stark, as I know he seems just like you.
It is very hard to believe that it’s fourteen years now. I still vividly remember that night we all came over for the cook out. The one where you were chasing me all around the three floors of your house, trying to desperately snap a picture of me. I told you I didn’t want you to but you kept pushing. You finally got me as I ran around the base of the stairwell. I was wearing that two-sizes-too-big Tweety Bird t-shirt. The one on the blue tie-dyed back ground. My hair was gold from the summer spent constantly in the sun with you and my friends. I remember the photo just as well. I was slightly blurry and very tan, my hair flying off to the side. It was short back then, barely below my jaw bone. I wish I knew where that photo was; oh how I’d love to have a copy of it.
Up until my husband, you were my only true best friend and confidant. I remember the secrets we shared and the prank calls we pulled. I remember us ganging up on Robert because he was bigger than the both of us, and tackling him to the ground … only to have both of you turn on me and tickle me until I was purple in the face.
I’ve never been the same since you left. I’m beyond cynical and jaded. I’m /damaged/. I’ll never be better or be the same. I’m barely suited to be someone’s best friend, less yet wife; that’s how badly and deep the pain cuts me. You screwed up my entire outlook on the world. You screwed me up.
Yet I still miss you. Though I will continue to uphold my promise, and forget you the best I can.
Posted by: Kachi at 28 March, 08:54 PM in
I’ll keep this short because it’s hard enough what I had to do today, to also sit down and write a book about it.
Jaz is an incredibly sweet natured and loving pitbull mix. I had every intentions of giving her the best forever home for her that I could and to take her on awesome doggy adventures!
Unfortunately, she just wasn’t cut out for city life and it’ll be months before we can move anywhere quieter. She was scared of EVERYTHING under the sun and suffered severe anxiety and stress while in the city/on walks.
So I decided that what she needs is something I can’t give her — a home with some doggy companions and a nice big yard.
So tonight I got very lucky and found the most amazing family for Jaz. She is now living in the suburbs of Portland with her new doggy family (she’s a third child now!) and owners who absolutely dote upon their pooches. She has a beautiful, huge, back yard with a 6 foot high fence. She became instant best friends with the family’s shitzhu and is warming up to their older border collie mix.
I’m glad I was able to take her in, if only for a short while, when I did. She dodged a huge bullet just by living with me (even if only temporarily) andI was able to help her gain weight and learn how to be stable and calm.
I will miss her sincerely but I know that she found the best possible life for herself today and she will be better for it.
Posted by: Kachi at 19 March, 07:49 PM in
I’ve been a huge fan of dog agility competitions for as long as I can remember. At a very young age I was exposed to this sport on Animal Planet and I immediately fell in love with it. Who doesn’t enjoy watching an agile, intelligent dog work its way through an obstacle course at a steady canter or full gallop? It’s a beautiful thing to watch, as well as incredibly thrilling and something that is very obviously fulfilling to both pet and owner. It’s a mental and physical challenge for the pooch and a special way to bond with its owner.
I’ve always had the vague interest of wanting to try agility training one day, when I grew up to be a big, awesome adult and had the time and resources to do so. And, of course, the dog with the right level of intellect and energy as well as eagerness to please. It wasn’t until I became an independent adult last year (Something I am in no way ashamed of, even if I am a “late bloomer” in this regard) that I started toying with the idea of combining two things I have a natural knack for: psychology and animal behavior. And with my new found freedom and low-stress environment I found that I was ready to adopt a dog into my fold and begin working with him or her.
So I adopted a beautiful year-old pit bull named Jaz and she seems to be the fit I was hoping for. She’s intelligent, eager to please and very attached to me and simply loves doing things with me.
Naturally, it clicked in my head that I could begin researching what it takes to learn agility training for dogs and find places in Portland that I could take Jaz to, in order to begin the training. So I took my questions to the ever handy Google and found plenty of articles and links and solid information. If solid can be said about every-single-website saying that “Pit bulls are naturally aggressive towards other dogs.” Pit bulls are not social dogs.” “Pit bulls can do agility training and competing but first have to be very well trained so that when they’re off their leash they don’t go and try to attack the other breeds at the training facility/competition venue(s).”
This infuriated me and almost every single link I’ve opened thus far has come up with those types of false information somewhere in their articles. I’m pissed. It is made clear to me that all of the authors and groups associated with them are woefully un-educated about dog behavior and psychology /in general/, never to mention that they don’t understand the first thing about American Pit Bull Terriers. It is insulting and pathetic how little they know and understand. So I will tell you a little something about every Pit Bull I’ve ever met who has been in the RIGHT hands (including my Jaz), not raised by dog fighters. APBTs are some of the sweetest, most affectionate family-dogs you will probably ever have the pleasure of petting and playing fetch with. The breed has a natural drive to please their owners and love absolutely everyone they can get in contact with, so much so that they put the wholesome labrador retriever to shame. APBTs LOVE children and seem to be rather intuitive when it comes to “babysitting” or “helping” mom and dad with the younglings of the human brand. Jaz, for example, enjoys adult humans and their attention just fine but any time she sees a child on the street, she cannot help herself but to want to smother that kiddo in kisses and be its best friend for life. On the spot. Jaz is also very pack-oriented with my three year old daughter, to boot, and you can see the “mother dog” side of her come out when Rini hurts herself or runs too far from me when we three go out walking. (Rini loves to run. But sometimes, being a child who doesn’t always understand boundaries and limits and rules, strays a wee bit too far from me. Which is something Jaz also seems to have a capacity to measure as well, for as the further Rini gets from me the more Jaz pulls on the leash — to a point of taking off at a hearty trot to get me back at a more comfortable proximity to my own offspring. Cute!) APBTs are also very happy go lucky dogs who enjoy a hearty game of fetch/retrieve or “tag!” and “Catch me if you can!” with fellow dogs at the dog-park. Another example is of Jaz who, as her foster told me, was dangerously aggressive towards other dogs. Until I took her for a walk as a calm and assertive pack leader and Jaz lost her /fear/ for other dogs (because it’s never truly aggression, it’s fear or uncertainty) when she could sense my supportive nature of her activities. After a mere 1.5 weeks with me, I took her to a dog park, where Jaz made upwards of 10 friends and was playing very well and mannerly amongst them in a pack-setting. Even when another dog (a border collie/lab mix) started attacking her, bullying her, and /pinning her down by the throat/, Jaz just waited for me to handle the situation — she never so much as “fought back”. It all boils down to how you raise the dog. Yes, ANY dog will be aggressive to other animals and humans — if they were raised to be. It’s not a default personality trait just because they are an APBT. Just like African Americans aren’t all thieves and thugs and how Caucasians aren’t all rednecks, hill billies or self absorbed narcissistic hotel heiresses. Being black, white, pit bull, labrador or whatever your breed or species doesn’t automatically mean you fit the bill of the stereotypes. Those words are simply a description of your physical appearance and genetic lineage. I really wish the world would open their eyes and realize this about APBTs (and humans of any creed, color, or sexual orientation!).
I digress.
I know that not all of the SPCA and AKC and other dog-snobs out there believe APBTs to be blood thirsty Hannibal Lectors of the doggy world — you can tell because there ARE very talented and athletic APBTs out there competing — but it stands that opinions still need to be properly educated/informed and people literally shown how gentle and sweet these beautiful dogs are!
So I am going to arm myself with information. I’m going to devote my free time to studying and practicing. I’m going to spend hours, days, and weeks on my dog to really drive home her puppy-hood’s obedience class (and work in more complex things as we go! such as new “tricks” and clicker training) and months upon months building up her stamina, self confidence and agility until she is ready to compete. If only on an amateur level for nothing more than a cutesy medal or trophy (or for the amusement of my friends), I am going to get my dog out there and I’m going to show the world just what amazing and beautiful things American Pit Bull Terriers can do. Even if I only prove it to a small group of people, I will feel accomplished — I want to spread the word to today’s people that APBTs are just as wholesome and wonderful as any other family-dog out there and can be trusted around both humans of all ages and animals of any type.
(Or possibly try other dog sports! They all look like extreme fun)
And maybe I’ll blog about it on the way.
Posted by: Kachi at 20 September, 02:31 PM in
That I met two years ago.
We met in the most unlikely of ways at the most inopportune time.
This was the summer of 2008 and I was tied down to an asshole boyfriend while he was in mourning.
In November of 2008 we were hopelessly in love with each other and realized that we didn’t want anyone else.
It took time and lots of trial and error but in the end we finally moved in together and began our new life.
Over the past two years I’ve never felt so loved, lucky or happy as I have with Nick in my life. Things weren’t always easy for our budding relationship and there were a few times where we went our separate ways but in the end we always found our way back to each other.
We endured two years of long distance, stress, anxiety and loneliness until we finally said “enough!” and I moved in on April 24th, 2010.
The first couple of months living together weren’t the smoothest. We had a lot of cultural differences to work through, different expectations of each other (or lack-there-of, on my part) and a situation of being crowded in a small apartment and his becoming a parent for the first time in his life … to a two year old. (Who, though very smart and well behaved, intimidated him at first. Becoming a parent is scary enough when it’s you’re own new born, but when it’s a child that has only ever known her mother and great-grandmother there was a lot to live up to. And he has done FABULOUSLY!) We managed though. We found ways to deal with our stress and were finally forced to confront our longest standing issue — communication. We learned how to sit down and talk about things instead of argue and through it all our bond became even stronger.
Now, with our own apartment and privacy we’ve expanded upon the foundations of our relationship and come to realize that there is absolutely no one better for us than the other person! The two of us are so taken with one another that we can’t imagine a life without the other person. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, perhaps even get married but these were always just ideas we agreed upon and felt strongly about.
Last night I decided that it was time to make it official. We knew we were going to get married sometime in 2011 as it were and there was no reason barring us from it now. So I proposed to my boyfriend, the love of my life and now it’s official!
We couldn’t be happier for it! So now it’s time to slowly start deciding whether or not we want a ceremony, if so what it’s going to be like and where, honey-moon, etc etc. The thrill of this all hasn’t even set in yet because I’m still caught up in the cloud of his intoxicating-love! He said yes and now my brain doesn’t work. So I’m going to sit back and enjoy the satisfaction in knowing I’ve got the best partner for me, there ever was!
Posted by: Kachi at 11 September, 11:33 PM in
Thirteen years now, my dearest cousin, you are gone to me.
I mourn for you quietly and if only loudly once, in a short poem.
My heart seems to make merry in a far off place
Whilst the cold bite of winter-come, dance upon my skin
Drawn into the distance like a weary traveler, my gaze do drift
As though I weren’t here at all if only it weren’t for your absence;
A reminder so swiftly comes, sun setting on my hopes for another day now past
I see a shadow, a chance moment, gone so quickly like a falling star
For you it cannot be, you left so long ago, leaving all a heart to sob and rot
Left September to solemn-glow, golds and browns dimly lit, for your laughter I miss
And so to recoil, thirteen mine number now, and wish for far-gone days to me.
©Lindsay Young, 2010
The only other words I can muster can be found in this song, Departure is my chef payne
